Spiritual Transition

I wish to say a few words about spiritual transition. My own experience is that a kind of dark night of the soul is inevitable before something can open up within (see a previous post). You may have worked with yourself for a long time but at some point you're starting to feel weary. Nothing inspires you anymore. It may provoke a severe feeling of anxiety. You will most likely start to feel even more separated from other people and this, depending on your basic constitution, will feel truly horrifying. When you look back you realize that all your attempts at connecting with others have been futile. Now, to make matters worse, people start to drop out of your life. Maybe they don't recognize who you are anymore and may start to shun you. If you feel that this may be the case, it's not a nice feeling and pretty taxing on your sense of self! Some people truly don't fit into the new you that is in transition, as you don't inhabit the same energetic space as them anymore. Some may deep down feel envious of changes in you that they perceive ever so slightly. If you radiate more light then that could disturb other people who might feel inferior in some ways. However, speculating about this may lead you nowhere. Whatever the facts surrounding the loss of people and opportunities, what is certainly true is that a lot of weird stuff keep popping out of the depths of your being and you hardly even recognize yourself anymore! Chances are that you are a kind person, maybe cheerful even, but that doesn't seem to stand through anymore - you question your own self. This is not a bad thing, though, because you need to be open to a new version of you. You may not be going crazy. When you start to feel the true symptom of the dark night of the soul you will not only feel separated from the higher truth ("God" if you will), you will also feel separated from other people. In addition, you will attract odd characters who mirror the issues you still have, and so rather than feel bitter it's more constructive to see them as catalysts or teachers. Remember that they are attracted to you too, for whatever reason. I wouldn't recommend worrying too much about this, instead try and find ways of dealing with it that help to empower you in a good way - any way that helps you become more self-reliant is good because it brings you closer to the real you. Learning to say NO to people and things is a vital part of this process, as it's connected to the idea of resisting temptations along the same lines as the trials that Jesus and Buddha went through!

The horror that you may be experiencing is an existential angst that settles in your body in the form of a taught sensation as well as unpleasant phases of rather extreme anxiety. Because of going through deep inner change, you will also feel very vulnerable and open and other people will either misunderstand you, take advantage of your openness so as to feel superior themselves, or simply cause you to hurt because there is something in the connection that you are supposed to learn from. To bash oneself because one is attracting negative things is not useful in my opinion. This phase may last for a long time. It all depends how much change you can handle. Sometimes a sensitive person like myself also has to deal with physical issues such as fibromyalgia and the like, and this may slow down the process. It's best to try and honor this, relax and rest as much as possible. You just might be going through a major spiritual transition... it will be taxing on every level of your "old self" (physical, emotional, mental...). Don't worry; if all this is going on while you suspect it's a spiritual transition, it's certainly more real than talking yourself into it in some way. Fluttering around in a world of love and light may not get you this far. You may feel immersed in negativity but that's because you're releasing any that you still harbor in the depths of your subconscious mind. I'd recommend trying to accept it for what it is and focus on change for the better. It's in the nature of this predicament not change by force of will alone. However, the more you try to tune into the surrender to spirit, the better. It may seem like the last thing to do, and you won't do it because someone tells you to. You will because you've come to the conclusion that it's the only solution. But Rome wasn't built in a day... so hang in there and try to make the best of the situation.

I have good news, though. If this is indeed what you're going through and doctors are not able to find anything substantially wrong with you, then there will be a day when the Kundalini will wake up. It's a partially dormant energy of creation that starts at the very beginning of your spine (I suggest that people look it up if they are not familiar with this concept). You might be feeling something "going on" in your heart and your belly. Maybe you're thinking that the anxiety is giving way. You will have thoughts about the surrender of the ego to spirit. I can't tell you what exactly you will be thinking as it depends on who you are. You might have experienced some huge emotional break down including a lot of crying and very potent feelings of giving up on some pursuits that you have been very serious about. This is the key but not something you can conjure up yourself. It comes when you're ready. The whole point is that somehow, you've been able to get around the little self's desire to be in charge. It's solving a catch22, or maybe even a whole serious of them; attitudes, ideals and pursuits that you've been entangled in. That's when you will have an inner movement that will clear out a lot of the old psychopathological garbage that you no longer need (false attitudes, false pursuits, focusing on the wrong things in your life, and so on). It begins at the very end of your spine so that's how you know it's the Kundalini.

I would suggest, however, that you really set your priorities straight first. There are many distractions that will keep you in a state of struggle and suffering. In my experience you must choose to serve spirit and forget about any other pursuits such as finding the perfect partner or becoming rich. One Kundalini experience or ten may also not bring the ultimate clearance. Many people think they are enlightened because they got through one major obstacle in their life. What they don't realize is that it may not have been the only one and that one or more really serious ones may still lie ahead if they are willing to allow it. However this is all individual. There is no guidebook that one can follow. This post is only meant to help people be aware of what is possibly going on in their lives and to be open to all of it. Good luck!

Artwork: Digital Photograph by author, all rights reserved 2009

Shame on You, Woman! ;-)

Don't get me wrong, I think women are fabulous creatures and most of the time, I think of them as "allies". Not so much in a war against men as within the framework of the project called "understanding ourselves and men". However, for all their wonderfully nurturing aspects, many women are behind the failure of a man to find a good woman. In the past women were not necessarily all that caring because there were too many kids to take care of besides the abusive husband. The morals of the past did not allow children to be respected as children, but were treated in ways that now seem infinitely cold. When things started to change the pendulum went to the other extreme. From the "free upbringing" of the 1970s we are now experiencing an era where the child's needs always goes first. We have a lot of spoilt brats around these days. Kids who rule their parents - and I really didn't make this up myself. Let's hope the balance will be achieved soon!

Women obviuosly need to take extra care to raise their sons in a sound way. Girls seem to be more able to sort out issues of a dysfunctional childhood. But I have yet to meet a man who had an absent or overly needy mother that has actually gotten over it and healed. They roam the Earth restlessly on the look out for the woman who will meet their needs just perfectly, and will obviously never succeed unless they settle for a doormat. One of the men in my past did just that and you wonder... what does he really feel, deep down? They take on someone who will be their hore, cook and maid. But in avoiding the deeper confrontations that naturally come in an intimate relationship, this man is simply running away from responsibilities and from finally growing up. Maybe he makes more babies just to prove his manliness and to superficially keep his partner happy. There is no real and honest interaction and thus no growth or even sense of deeper meaning. What a measly life! Behind this man may be a bad father. One who yelled his head off all the time, possibly even drank and beat up his wife. But even worse, the mother is not there for the boy either. If only parents will learn not to become parents until they are sure they have healed enough to be able to take good care of their children. There is after all now a choice in the Western world. But let me be clear on this; I am not saying all men are dysfunctional, only the ones whose parents did a bad job. I'm sure there are a few who were able to work it through, possibly with a therapist and a loving spouse. But from what I've seen this is difficult for men as they often resist going inside to mend the faulty attitudes they have acquired early on. I also feel that many men have never learnt how to approach a woman, and I assume that has a lot to do with their upbringing and the general climate that makes it alright to pretend to be equal when it's calling for less efforts from the man. This in my opinion is not the way to go... equality is not about treating a potential partner with nonchalance.

I'm writing this because it may seem that I hate men. I really don't, but I'm somewhat frustrated, that's for sure. When you're over forty, single and all the nice men are taken while the rest are nonchalant or dysfunctional, it's not easy to turn a blind eye. What I really feel is that the sordid secrets that many people carry should be exposed to light so that the world can change. Women need to wake up and stop going for the men that echo their childhood wounds. They must find a balance between their vulnerabilities and their strength. They must not be needy and imbalanced within themselves. Only thus can they be the best of parents to their little boys. Boys who eventually need to grow up embracing their male side as well as the female one. All in good balance. These will be just the way women like them to be; strong and manly yet empathic and warm. It is hardly any surprise that women will one day be the same, only in a complementary sort of way that fits their counterpart exactly. When the fit is perfect, there is doubtless no more "need" of any kind. I know it's really hard... but somebody has to start the good trend. Someone has to say stop, no more, and try harder to affect the world even at the peril of being left alone. And it seems to me that women have to make a real effort to change things around... it's a huge responsibility, but possibly the only way?

A spiritual life begins with caring for the self... As someone wise once said, you need to be somebody in order to be nobody. In other words, you need a healthy ego, or strong sense of self, before you can surpass it and open up to the greater truth about your existance. There is in my opinion no escape from this. No matter how impossible or hopeless your situation, you really must become self-reliant and not sit around expecting someone to save you with their love. I know most of us has heard this many times... but as I'm living this truth in my own life I can honestly say that this is what I believe to be true. As I allow my true nature to take the lead I will eventually heal and stop attracting those who try to convert me to their beliefs. While writing about relationships has been an important task in this life, I'm sure that one day there will be no more hurting men in my life to complain about.

Artwork: "Ace of Hearts", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2009.

How to Recognize a Spiritual "Saviour" Complex

There are people with a saviour's complex. I tend to run into them quite often because of my life situation, which makes me appear very helpless to some people. I don't think one needs to be ashamed of needing a bit of practical help in life - after all we are in this together. In reality, however, real, solid and honest help without ulterior motifs is very hard to come by. Among spiritually minded people there is one major ego trap that prevents them from becoming real enlightened beings no matter how much they might like to or pretend that they are already there. That is the saviour's complex.

I am going to talk about men who hit on women who appear fragile, because this is my personal experience. This is not a scientific thesis but a personal, empirical observation that I hope will help people be discerning about such encounters. In my opinion these men are weak and use their desire to help a woman as an excuse to suck her dry and appear more powerful. They feed on the idea that you're worse off than they are. If you do not wish to end up as a doormat you need to access your male energy and set firm boundaries for what is truly acceptable to you. These are healthy boundaries and nothing to be ashamed of either. You will meet with resistance but do not waver if your gutfeeling tells you that you're being subjected to something that is not good for you. Many of these points can be found in spiritual or religious teachers and in women, too. These are sad people but it's not your job to take care of their needs! They will never stop projecting their own sense of deficiencies on you.

• 
  
  The man in question has often spent a great deal of his life in meditation and has thus spent very little time learning about honest communication, relationships, and how to approach a woman in a tantalizing way. What may seem like an unconventional approach to dating is in fact simply a lack of knowledge and insight. Don't mistake clumsy with interesting. This guy doesn't have enough knowledge about real life because of having escaped it for so many years. He will obviously pride himself with the fact that he's meditated for so and so long.


• 
  
  He's not very likely to compliment you, because he's not really looking for a normal love relationship. He will hide his intentions from you or talk about them in a confusing way. This reveals that his heart is not open to you (or anybody else). He might even complain about having to be compassionate! He's certainly not that far evolved if this is the case! His strategy is to give you a nagging feeling of being inferior so that he can bombard you with his so-called wisdom and advice about how you should lead your life. If you start to feel that you won't be good enough for him or that you have to prove yourself all the time, it's a definite warning sign.


• 
  
  He's secretive about his intentions because he wants you to surrender to him. He may talk in terms of sexual surrender but what he really wants is for you to surrender your will to him. He will make you feel confused. Messing with your mind is a way of trying to control it. Many gurus use this technique as well so beware. Ultimately he will talk about surrendering to God's will. It's important to be really vigilant about the differences.


• 
  
  He loves quotes and will most likely bombard you with them. Instead of feeling uplifted, you start to feel drained and tired from them. They don't come from his heart and are certainly not meant to make you feel better about yourself. An authentic spiritual person is more creative and original than to use an endless array of quotes! This is in the nature of true spirituality! It goes without saying that this guy loves to preach. He may reveal that others think of him as a priest. I've even been told that I am one. Such talk is most likely just a projection from his own mind, a revelation about his true way of thinking.


• 
  
  Even if you signal your needs, for instance that you had a long and hard day, he won't take notice. He will keep you waiting because he needs to do his meditation first or for some really silly reason such as the summer heat. He won't be firm about how to proceed with the contact. Instead he will make sure that you don't know when he's going to call and it will seem that it's not okay for you to call him. Remember that he thinks he knows what you need and will be oblivious to anything outside of this subjective perception!


• 
  
  He will start to tell you what you need in order to become a better person or healthier, or even more beautiful. It sounds nice and empathic to begin with. He promises to give you tantalizing treatments and choose your dresses. But if you state your own opinions about your needs he will resist them. What he wants to give you may seem like an original gift but it's often just a copy of something someone else created or a ready-made formula that was not that hard to conjure up. Always be on the look-out for the lack of original thoughts and ideas. He may sound convincing but what he says may be straight from a manual. He loves his gurus and will refer to them quite often.


• 
  
  He claims to know what you're going through because he's been there but made it to the other side. In other words, he's more enlightened than you and thus has an excuse to give you the impression that he knows things about you that he can't reveal just yet, not until you're ready. This is a simple way of keeping you in suspense and thus dependant on him. His favourite adage is surely "embrace the unkown".


• 
  
  He might suggest that he will come into good fortune financially in "just a short while" and so hanging out with him is a good idea. This way he tries to make sure that you're going to stick around. The funny thing is, he may claim to become very lavish with his future money but he will complain about petty expenses that you caused him in one way or another, in the here and now. Such hints are tasteless coming from any man, no matter how upset he may be!


• 
  
  If you listen carefully, you'll see that while his tone of voice is often without much expression, there are moments when some form of bitterness will enter his speech. This will reveal the trauma that is driving him and it's very often a deficient parent. The scary thing is, he's likely to be looking for the mother he never had in you. If you're not the image of Mother Mary he will not be happy, and obviously no one can ever meet with his expectations. He may be an alpha male or a weakling; either way he will not make you feel calm and secure.
• If he has an obsessive way of talking about the ego all the time and in all contexts, take heed. He probably has a problem with it. He might claim that he is ego-free but will make it clear that you're still ego-driven. For instance, he might say that testing people is behaviour typical of the ego and complain that you test him rather than trust him. Most likely he doesn't shy away from testing himself though. I ran into someone who was deceptive about trivia in order to see if anyone would be drawn to him on the basis of his energy. This is not really normal behaviour. Yet some form of testing is quite normal in the beginning of a relationship since you can't be expected to trust a stranger right from the start. If you are wary and cautious, he will probably hold your lack of trust in him against you even at an early stage of the relationship.


• 
  
  If you're stronger than he anticipated, he may retreat into a form of emotional blackmail. He will tell you that you don't act like a woman, or he may even reveal that he's the sensitive one who needs to be treated with the utmost care. If he has no real access to his male energy he will be passive-aggressive. Spiritual men are rarely able to express real anger and so he resents yours and shuns it like the plague! He might call you a controlling bitch when all you did was state your boundaries in a way that he is not able to do himself. He may call you hateful though you never used any actual words of hatred since you tried to be civil.


• 
  
  His most desperate attempt to get a hold of you is to refer to God's will (or that of any other form of higher power) and to insinuate that he knows what's best for you but you don't and you're missing out on life because you are stupid enough to resist God's will. I've been told that the man knew he was God's gift to me because I had earned it through good karma, but I was too stupid and my soul was too broken from torment to see it. And this was said with a winking smiley.

Artwork: "So-called Good Advice", handmade collage by author, copyright 2009

My Defintion of Beauty

What follow are my responses to questions about beauty on an internet forum.

My story begins in my late teens when I was obsessed with the concept of beauty. I remember writing long rants about it though I had nothing to rely on. It was something that had entered my mind in an intuitive sort of way and I do feel that it was a foreboding of my leap into spirituality. I will try and capture what my ideas on beauty have been since. Bear with me; this is tentative and I never was a student of aesthetics.

Since I became aware of beauty, I loved walking around town looking at beautiful old buildings and antiques in antique shops. In those days, it seemed that only old things qualified as beautiful. Looking back, I'm not surprised that the style of the 1980s repelled me! There is no way I can find beauty in it to this day. I soon came to the conclusion that there are some guidelines to beauty. First, a classic measure of sorts that is based in the platonic ideas of the perfect proportions. The second criteria has to do with the natural world - natural materia as well as a natural attitude seem more beautiful than artificial materia and fake behaviour. The third criteria is connected to the degree to which something or someone is soulful - in other words older objects seem more beautiful because they are impregnated with more energy and the traces of use while more profound people who know themselves will appear more beautiful than shallow people. The interesting thing is that while slick perfection can be pretty, it tends to lack interest. While proportions are important, the slight imperfection (the trace of a human hand, the uneven character of a wooden floorboard) often induces more beauty rather than taking away from it.

I've never attempted to map all this out before so it's sketchy, however I would say this is how I still perceive beauty. It seems to me that the same values can be transcribed to any level of existance. Ugly is thus artificial, fake, shallow, pretentious and so on. Brainless young bimbos with implants would thus not qualify! We are surely talking of other values in that case... But... You will surely argue that some modern items as well as young people can be very beautiful. I do agree. In fact I love a lot of modern things. The freshness of new things and new ideas, or people who are only just beginning to live! Yet if we look more closely I think we can find the above values attached to these things. A modern building can be very beautiful when it has been carefully and lovingly planned with natural materials and depth of thought, as well as using a good sense of proportions (something which I feel people felt intuitively in the old days but lost since functionalism in the 20th Century).

It seems to me that I've tried to transcribe these values to my artwork (proportions, depth, meaning, materia, vintage charm and so on). A few years ago my interest in photography escalated and I found myself seeking out interesting surfaces that would make for abstract photo artwork. I loved visiting the junkyard where I found rust and decay; these surfaces made for quite beautiful pictures. In my case it was not a question of just recording what I saw. First, I had to recognize potential. Then I had to choose angle and approach. After this, I still did things to the picture in photoshop. I was in other words elevating what I saw to a higher level of aesthetic experience. It was not so much a case of seeing beauty as seeing potential that could be turn into beauty with the use of a creative attitude.

The ability to see potential in things has been transcribed to my relationships. I've had a number of boyfriends that were diamonds in the rough, but never grew to bloom in full glory. The relationships ended and I realized I had to find someone who was already "something". This something mirrors an array of personal requirements, my subjective perception of a beautiful person. It's someone who is already by force of their own intervention a reasonably accomplished, profound and wise "old soul". I suppose that in the case of human beings there is so much soul and spirit that the desire for external beauty (the perfect proportions and so on) recedes into the background (well I appreciate external beauty but am not obsessed with it and don't need for it to be present in my personal life - this has been a bit difficult to deal with and I'm not done yet, however it's important that I get there). Sure it would be great to have it all but in this world, that would be a shallow attitude! I myself am certainly not the epitome of external beauty. But I hope my inner richness will make up for that in someone else's eyes. As we all know other people only mirror what we see in ourselves. So I wouldn't expect anything else from anyone.

There is just one more thing I'd like to add. In the 1990s as I got to know New Age people and the movement I was a bit surprised to find that aesthetically speaking, people chose glitter and slick looking pictures with space themes or otherworldly subjects. While some glitter and slickness is fine, too much of it becomes boring to me. I then realized that these people were indeed reaching for "other than this reality" and that it was a very different form of spirituality than what I was interested in. My career as an artist does reflect to a very high degree the aesthetics of this realm and a desire to express values connected to the earth. I don't think my preferences are particularly personal. I would think they are quite "integral" and universal in nature.

I do feel that some artists are meant to reveal the beauty in the most unlikely places. What many people would pass by an artist is able to capture and express in a way that helps other see something there as well. I love when you say "Beauty is not a device to create disharmony", lol, so very true! How often in this world beauty becomes a vehicle for selfish, egotistic pursuits. It's interesting how condemned a person can get for their lack of conventional beauty of the internet where people have little else but a buddy icon to go by. I've been ridiculed for my glasses! I assume that the same people would never say a thing in real life - let alone notice the eyewear. Still it signals a society that is obsessed with slickness and perfection at the expense of soulfulness.

Artwork: "Twists of Fate", handmade collage, copyrighted by author 2009

Bed of Nails - Relaaax... and Pick Your Nails!

What's the point in bringing out my point of view when it's all so very relative and this persona was created for this life's purposes only? And who really cares about your journey other than yourself? Many certainly pretend to care but their eager advice usually serves a selfish purpose; one thing that you get for free is unsolicited advice, and an abundance of it. Love and genuine concern (which for instance may take the form of authentic sharing and the abolishing of secrecy) is not as easy to come by.

At times one is engrossed in one's dramas, at times it all seems futile and transience is more than obvious! Well, in any case it's a very compelling reality and knowing what turn to take and how to manoeuvre the car can put ants in your head. Rather than seeking change as I always have I try and keep things simple so as to protect myself from the very familiar feelings of being overwhelmed. And I try and stay away from people because I simple cannot understand why some people want stuff from me and others seem as if they wouldn't touch me with a barge pole. And of course; some people are just nice in a comfortable sort of way. But I'm tired of trying to figure it all out. The whole issue of manifesting a better life is also a bit too complex right now so I just try not to worry my head too much. I assume that my purpose is what it always has been, I just have to regain some physical, emotional and spiritual strength. It takes a bit because so many unexpected and weird ego issues have plagued me for a while.

Life is like a bed of nails which is initially painful but often pleasant once you've relaxed and let it happen. The trick is to overcome the fear of the pain. The repition which is so typical of this reality is for better and for worse. It can obviously be made to work for you but sometimes it takes time. Goodness, we are all so very different. There are no rules to go by that would apply to all of us.

The other day I was wondering if witnessing my own self and witnessing people around me is any different?

I noticed that people in other countries may not know about the acupressure mats or "bed of nails" that have now spread around the Nordic countries. I can certainly recommend it, as I sleep better if I lie on it before bed. My back and neck have been more sore than usual this month. Mine is called "Shakti" and has these white round plastic pieces that you lie on. Others look different. I suggest people look it up on the internet as they do sell them online and also give instructions in English. It seems to me a rather simple way of helping yourself. Whether it really activates the acupoints or simply stimulates the blood flow is of little consequence as long as it helps you relax. Good luck!

Relaaax... and pick your nails!

Photo: "Relaaaaax... and pick your nails!", copyrighted by author 2009

Rejection/Resistance - How it can Mirror some Life Issues

I feel an urge to write about rejection. This I want to do mainly because I have been battling with an endless succession of rejections for about 9 months, and I think others battle with these issues as well at this time in our collective evolution. Sharing sometimes help to resolve the energetic knots we're carrying. I am thinking that rejection is similar to resistance. Be aware that this is a very small part of a much more extensive story. I have become a tad wary of exposing myself as there are people who like nothing better than to put you down. That sort of rejection can make you stronger once you've reclaimed your power and realized that the other person has an issue, not you. If you're the one who has done wrong it's a lesson to be learned. This is only part of the story though. There's always more beneath. There is an obvious truth in the idea that we attract what we either possess or lack. It's kind of common sense really. Now the sad thing about the life of so many is that they have been conditioned to believe and feel certain things that are not true about themselves. Going back to your childhood usually gives you ideas as to what the issues are and you might be able to resolve them. However, people who are a little complicated because they chose to come here in the name of altruism may have a harder time uncovering the deeper layers of pathology.

One of my collages is called "Me, Myself and I" (see above) and depicts the feeling of division. I'm not speaking of a split self or common schizophrenia, or anything like that. I'm speaking of a more profound feeling of being two "entities" (Self vs self) in one corporeal form - something which is obviously hard to describe in words.

Now what is really going on is that I am aware of myself as a powerful soul, one that has willingly limited itself in order to learn about humanity and maybe do some good here too. Note that the figure drawn by myself as a child is Pippi Longstockings, the superchild (in the middle). As someone kindly alerted me to the idea that stories we liked as a child may hold meaning throughout our lives, this is certainly one example. The other story I especially liked was Pelle the Cat Without a Tail. Pelle was obviously the cat that stood out as being different, because he had a handicap. He was also the nice guy who was always teased. As so happens I have that sort of tail myself, though it only became obvious when I was much older (about ten). In the collage the black strips on the back of the ladies represent just that. It is a handicap that has embarrassed the hell out of me all of my life. I can never feel safe that a guy will accept me for who I am in a society that is so focused on external beauty. I know that any other reason could be just as valid but in my case it's the lack of a "tail".

In other words, there's plenty of rejection in the air; two incidents that I am in the process of getting over (you may attract stuff but damn people can be so daft at times as well so no excuses please! I have been hurt and angry and rightly so). I also see other people rejecting things such as ugliness or the mundane world, and it makes me think of my own relation to these. For instance lacking a tail can be perceived of as ugly and make a me seem like a lesse person. However, all this has to mirror something about myself so the trick is to figure out what exactly. One thing that is true about myself is that I am not apt to rejecting the world in any extreme terms, instead I have tried too hard to fit into it. In this pursuit the inner strength is obviously in the way, since it tends to intimidate people. Being a person who is always in a process or another this, on top of everything else, is probably also an impossible feat since you can't fit in a steady niche if you're in transition. Nonetheless... it all boils down to my rejection of my entire human existance. When you can't beat the enemy, you join them... now that sounds fine and dandy except that in this case it causes a whole lot of frustration and anger. It's not so much a matter of you hating yourself versus loving yourself, it's that your loneliness and "difference" makes you crave for human interaction and connection in the wrong places. Because you're not happy with the circumstances you were born with you seek acceptance as if it was a matter of life and death. This dichotomy could perpetuate itself for aeons... While you know you're wasting your time and deserve better company than people who are not on your own wavelength, you have managed to convince yourself that it's all you can have. More perfect people would obviously not want someone who doesn't have a tail... It's really a Catch22 in the end.

It seems that the task at hand is superimposing (not juxtaposing!) your true inner Self with the external, temporary self that was created only for this incarnation. Revering only one or the other is equally detrimental. The adage "love yourself" bears no meaning whatsoever unless you realize that you're dealing with two sides of a coin. To accept the life that you went ahead and accepted when you incarnated (albeit with some karma involved for most of us) becomes the real issue, and the hardest one to accept if you're not content with it. I am not content with mine and have thus always resisted it. It turned out harder than I think I anticipated. All I see is pain and suffering though in reality it's a feat that I'm even still alive and in much better shape than most people would be who had a similar issue of a lacking tail. It's no wonder, the discomfort is always there and will always be there.

This is not a story of victim-hood but one of victory. I have never thought of myself as a victim in the normal sense of the word, and I always knew mine would have to be a story of victory if I was ever to really help other human beings. Yet accepting a fact of life that is so limiting and embarrassing in the face of all the "normal" people out there is incredibly challenging. I still don't know how it's done. I do realize though that this is the real deal, and once the key is found the lock will be unlocked.


Artwork: "Me, Myself and I", handmade collage 2008 by author, all rights reserved

Beckoning Destiny: Deliver Me From the Dating Game

On a dating forum, I asked how people weed out when dealing with unwanted people on dating sites. Most of the women felt that you should be polite and find some neutral excuse to close the correspondence, while most men felt that you shouldn't waste your time but just leave the letters unanswered and not get into any explanations. The men felt that it was best to block the women they didn't like immediately. A friend just remarked that men actually seem to have more fears than women.

Since I re-entered the online dating game a few months back I have been subject to the rather callous way in which men just dump you without further ado when you're not to their taste. Most of us have fear of rejection. It means that the feelings or fears of rejection surface again, and again, and again... At some point you think you've mastered it and that it cannot possibly affect you that much again. Yet suddenly you're sucked into an intense exchange with great promise of future companionship only to be brutally dumped for some really strange reasons. This time one problem was that I walk outdoors with my cats without leashes and this was perceived as exhibitionism. The other was the fact that I exercise my right not to have children. The third had to do with my lack of desire to take up strict Buddhist (Theravada, conservative style) practices and that my thinking is impure and ignorant since I don't recognize a good thing when I see it and have some sympathies for another strand of Buddhism (Mahayana, which stresses the importance of compassion). "That's what the Jehova's Witness say too", I retorted. But to no avail. I think this guy was making his two-hour meditation practice and silence retreats along with the ten commandments (including chastity) into a massive ego-serving enterprise. I'm tired of staring into the Buddhist void and contemplating the illusory and temporary nature of reality. I feel I know it all too well. I'm also not interested in intellectualizing these concepts anymore. Now I'd like to enjoy this compelling illusion a little before I make my exit out of this life.

As so many before him, the guy in question also wanted to have the cake and eat it. In other words, I was most welcome to be his friends. It's funny how they think that after all that, you'd really like to still be friends. He said that he liked to discuss his path. Sure. I just didn't really feel part of the discussion since he was mostly preaching.

Nothing is more of a turn off than people who patronize you ("you may not understand this now but you will after a while when you've reached a broader perspective"), or preach ("personal growth to me means following the ten principles of enlightenement and they are so and so...") or make assumptions ("I thought you must be really nuts and eccentric to walk your cats in the city") or hold back ("I can't open my heart before I'm certain that we're right for each other") or fear committment ("I'd rather you just moved close to where I live so I can withdraw from the relationship if I feel I need to") or control you ("Well you can be as ignorant as you wish to be but you're a fool not to take a chance on the true path"), or don't support or try to understand your life's work ("I don't understand people who feel they can just write whatever they like to make others look like fools"). And all it boils down to is what this person needs, not what you feel, think or need. You are cursed to see through all this BS. Sure, you saw the good too. That's why you hung in there for a whole week.

You try so hard to feel compassion, but you're so worn out. My accidental shrink suggested that I'm tired of selfishness. I certainly am. I also mapped out my own traumas, the reasons I react emotionally to certain stimuli. It's about the childhood, about having had to ignore one's own needs in favour of someone else's, and having been talked down to because I was a child, and not getting support and guidance. I thought those patterns would have been gone by now but apparently not.

What do you do when you put so much into the contact and in the end all it does it sucks you dry? How do you keep hoping that one day, some time, somewhere...? You know you can't lie down and die, you must get up again, fight your battles, be "Liberty Leading the People" while you also wreck your brain to find things to say to all these taciturn, reticent, secretive, cynical, under-enthousiastic, opiniated and demanding men that are out there? Because you're after all a mere mortal, you can't help but have some hopes raised and feeling some disappointment when all the signs of compatibility are undermined by an abyss of differences. You feel stress and sleep poorly and wonder if this is really worth it in the end? Perhaps the right one will find you at the outbacks of a country that is the outbacks of Scandinavia which is the outbacks of Europe... Maybe you really ought to delete your dating profiles and trust that one day he will be behind your door. Just like that. And he'll be kind and intelligent, able to think outside of the box and also want to enjoy life to its fullest. Because we must believe that there is some way of miracles in this world, don't we?

Artwork: "Liberty Leading the People" by Eugène Delacroix 1830

Friendship - the Good and the Bad

The anatomy of friendship used to be something very self-evident to me. In short, it was about unconditional support. The whole point was to find things to share and thus focus on the similarities. The dissimilarities were tolerated because most friends were people you didn't have to deal with every day. On the rare occasion when toxicity arouse, one or the other would just drift away. Talking things through rarely worked out; people are not very eager to look at their own faulty behaviour unless specifically motivated to. Personally I often felt that it wasn't worth the trouble. I mean, you just preferred to get on with your life rather than stay in something that was complicated and where you didn't feel respected. I'm sure many have felt the same. What most of the people who drifted away thought of me I will never know. Of course it's quite possible that a few were mad at me for some reason that they never disclosed. I used to wreck my brain as to why someone never got back to me, but learned in time that on most occasions it was just a question of "life" and a simple lack of motivation that was not to be taken personally. I'm quite a loyal person but also had to realize that many people aren't. They just move onto another stage in their lives and leave people behind.

I'm not quite sure why so many people have come and gone in my life at a fast rate. What I find remarkable is that I always had at least one friend to talk to and share my life experience with. My life has always changed quite rapidly and so perhaps these people served a purpose in my life only for a little while. I didn't worry too much about it until later in life when I was more in touch with my emotions and started to get weary of all the changes. I was craving for more stability and thus also people who would not disappear after I had invested a lot of time and energy into getting to know them.

Unfortunately at this point I entered a strange phase marked by the fact that I was now middle-aged. People were busy with their families and all of my long-term friends had babies because they had decided to get them quite late in life. I was child-free and single, and now the resident of a small town where no one ever asked you to come and visit. Trying to play the dating game after a wrecked relationship was arduous and not very gratifying. Suddenly I was sucked up into the virtual world and making "friends" with all sorts of people online. Only very few of these people were sincere and seriously interested in me as a person. Quite a few people were in fact primarily looking for people to convert or someone who could function as a scapegoat that would carry their negativities. This has led me to distinguish a few signs of a non-productive friendship. Apart from the obvious one where there is no balance between talking and listening, envy and co-dependency, some of my most important deal breakers are the following issues:

1) a person keeps nagging about how much better your life is compared to theirs; this is usually a sign that they don't want to look at their own crap but rather project guilt on others so as to gain sympathy and feel better about themselves at the other's expense.

2) a person tells you that you're hard on yourself and wonders why you hate yourself so much. This is often a sign that they don't understand your self-criticism because they don't have any themselves. They also try and place guilt on you so as to feel that they are superior.

3) a person starts lecturing you about how to lead your life. For some odd reason they think that they know better than you. This is another sign of low self-esteem and a desperate attempt to raise it at your expense. Only when you know someone really well and both are clear that there are no power games going on, can a certain "lecture" be warranted. It can be very gratifying to hear a clearly voiced second opinion on something while knowing that there is no manipulation and attempt to bend your will behind it.

4) a person is overly secretive about their thoughts and feelings and argues for their right to be this way with very clever words. They are probably trying to appear mysterious and interesting so as to keep you captivated. What they want is your attention, energy and support, but they won't give much in return. You keep wondering what you're doing wrong so as not to earn this person's confidence, but when you try and talk about it they turn away and argue that friendship shouldn't be tiring. Since trying to come up with things to talk about is wearing you out for real, you had better leave this solitary ship. Friendship is about sharing and opening up to another person!

5) a person's irony becomes cynical and sarcastic, or they ignore you and keep you waiting. While I sometimes balance on the border of an unacceptable form of irony myself, I wouldn't want to be downright mean towards people who have done nothing to deserve it. To be unpleasant towards people you don't know that well is plain disrespectful. Having met many guys like this online I have become a little tougher myself, but it certainly worries me! I then turn to good female friends who bring out the niceness in me again.

Within the framework of a friendship you should be able to work out your issues without feeling judged. Some people who get into conflict with their friends like to argue back and forth in an attempt to sort it out but that's not really the kind of friendship that I care much about. When I see judgmental behaviour and feel negative vibes towards the person I am, I prefer to leave. This is because in most cases, talking doesn't help and the differences are at that point usually irreconciliable. In my reality, love relationships provide the intimacy and motivation to dig deeper. When you enter this arena, so much more is at stake and so the need to work in order to get a harmonious connection 24/7 should come quite naturally. The best case scenario is no doubt when you are able to establish a hybrid relationship that is based in friendship but takes everything several steps further towards the creation of a deeper and even more meaningful connection. In my opinion, however, the two should not be confused. In reality they serve different purposes and I don't think the adage that friends last longer than lovers is warranted. It's just plain silly to compare the two!

Artwork: "Choose Your Friends Wisely", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

Gratitude - Not to be Forced

They say that feelings of lethargy, apathy, bouts of anger and other negative states of mind can come to sensitive people as this world is undergoing a transformative process. I suppose that's what I'm feeling... not like me to feel so listless and have such trouble getting along with people. I just want to run away and hide... I'm sure I'm not showing the best of myself but neither are people I meet. Things that wouldn't have been an issue ten years ago seem somehow aggravated today, as if people just can't help themselves. I so wish I could feel more compassion but I am just SO tired. I try desperately to hang in there and not fall prey to despair, so I suppose what I write about isn't always so uplifting either. I am here adding some things to the theme of forced gratitude. A few points overlap what I wrote in my last post.

I recently learned that children who were evacuated to Sweden from Finland during WWII are still plagued by the way they were always told to shut up and be grateful. They wanted nothing more than to be with their parents even if it meant chaos and famine, yet at the time it was thought better for them to have peace and enough food to eat in neutral Sweden. If they were unhappy, they were often severely punished. My dad was sexually abused. My mother was sent to some rich fosterparents in the capital of Finland where they only fed her cakes overflowing with cream and sugar. She was saved by this woman's sister and taken to a famous pediatrician who told them what she needs to eat to regain strength. They eventually adopted her and though they were quite rich, she had to sleep in the father's drafty reception room and always had runny eyes. When I was younger, she used to tell me quite often how she hated the idea of having to be forcibly grateful. Perhaps I have inherited this from her but I also don't like to have the idea of gratitude shoved down my throat. It was never a problem until I started to hang out with spiritually minded Americans online. They seem to be in love with inspirational quotes about gratitude and love to teach it to those of lesser knowing. The country's highly religious backdrop might have something to do with this. What strikes me as really odd though, is why anyone thinks that this should be necessary? I mean, I don't go around feeling totally hateful about life all day long and then communicate with spiritual people online in the evening. Of course there are things one feels grateful for during the day. As a means of self-preservation, one naturally looks for counterparts to all the shitty tings that happen in life. Don't people do this?? I'm sorry but it's hard for me to buy into the idea that people would be so dumb as not to get such fundamental issues on their own. But maybe people really are so removed from any natural sentiments/sensibilities and common sense? I was wondering about the same thing when Feng Shui became popular.

I promised to help an elderly lady with her new computer the other day. I guess it's my own fault that I didn't focus and really think what it is she might need. I trusted that it was just about a few things that I should be able to figure out for her so she didn't have to take in anyone expensive. I didn't expect to get paid but I knew she'd give me a little something. Ok, good deal. Funny enough, everything that could possibly go wrong, did. Since I have no stress tolerance I was quickly in a really bad state of panic, but determined to see this thing through stoically. She however, became frantic as we didn't get anywhere and she was in a hurry as well. The irony is, she probably has money to pay for a professional and only wanted to help me. However the humiliation and the stress took a great toll on me. In the end I felt like an idiot (and was biting my tongue so as not to come out with the usual defensive nonsense arguments) and did of course not feel that she was grateful for my input. It hurt a little but what hurt the most was that she didn't consider my low stress tolerance though she knows about it. The totally unexpected negativity that came out in the situation made me want to run home and cry, which I did later on. She showed some surprising hardness that I wanted to escape. Now I am not wanting to hear some advice that I attracted it through some funny law that came into fashion yesterday. Sure some of it is fine, but when it becomes dogma... well I'll leave it at that.

I simply thought more of my abilities than I should have and was trying to help where my help was maybe not really needed, and the karma came back to me at once, which happens these days, since the pace has been accelerated. Of course, there was also an unhappy combination of circumstances. Anyhow, I really think the law of karma is as good a law as any, and it's been around for a long time. It's just a matter of understanding it. Perhaps in time we will gain more freedom and manifest things that are not from ego, but the way I see it is, as long as we're on Earth we're attached to karma. Funny though, I've had a dream in which I felt complete and utter lack of self-worth. I have never felt anything like this in real life. So I guess there is some subconscious process going on in regard to such issues (and it may well be connected to the collective). I feel that I'm having to battle it in some sense. I don't really feel appreciated by people right now.

People are quite out of control these days, I think that's pretty obvious to anyone who is able to see reality for what it is and feel real feelings. Sometimes we just can't muster loving feelings, compassion or anything else of a positive nature, even when we believe we should. We feel irritated and stressed. We may be aware of the possibility, that in some way the negative encounter was a lesson, but we don't always have the energy to go into it and it's not always sure this is what we should do. You know what? It's all part and parcel of the transition. We may be limitless beings but here in human form, there's a lot to deal with. Those who like to preach from above are not doing any favours. People who are dealing with real life feelings will eventually resolve them, or they will not. It's not for anybody else to determine. You can only let go of your negative feelings when you CAN let go of them. If I started to feel guilty about feeling negative feelings I would indeed only be prolonging my own process, as anything denied or repressed will still be there. I also believe that guilt really drags you down. Common sense, right?

What also strikes me is that people preach about the importance of feeling gratitude all the time and instigating "gratefulness days", yet when I look around online I see little of it expressed towards other people. For instance, considering all the time and effort some people put into replying to other people's questions or blogs, well one would expect a glimpse of "thank you" or a simple acknowledgment of the other's effort a litte more frequently than what one sees now. It doesn't have to be any bombastic feelings of gratitude of course... the more modest kind called common courtesy! One thing my mother did teach me was to express thank you a lot so maybe it's just me... not understanding that not everyone is used to it. It's also not very nice to respond to someone in a forum only to find someone else say the exact same thing further along the line.

I don't (as a manner of speaking) know what goes on in people these days and maybe it's best to know as little as possible. I mean, what I do see is already overwhelming... I have learned, that it's ok to say no to people although I was raised to be kind and nice to everyone. These two attitudes don't always seem in synch but we are living in times of change and there is no reason to plague oneself more than necessary with stressors that lead nowhere. A little bit of toughness is needed at times to get through to people. The compassion comes when it comes. You can't force anything. And you can always consider, whether all you want is to become a more succesful human being or an enlightened person. The latter is apparently not always a very cheery path to take, but somehow I suspect that it's a choice some people have made before they came here and so any attempts to manifest the opposite (a happy, succesful life) will probably go down the drain because it's not what the soul really needs. And gratitude comes when it comes! Courtesy can be taught, but not gratitude, though maybe one can work towards it in some indirect way.

Artwork: "Early Morning", mixed media on paper by author, all rights reserved 1997

Ditch the Inspirational Quotes and Subliminal Messages!

"Something's wrong with the world"
"You don't say!"

I'm going to play the grumpy old woman or the devil's advocate, choose which ever resonates with your belief system.

Ok... (taking a deep breath): I am fed up. Ok, ok, I know I probably won't ascend to the higher dimensions because I'm angry and frustrated. Only love can take you there. Oh well, I guess that's just too bad. I suppose my choice is not to feel guilty and have my sense of irony intact rather than go up the elevator. At least not today...

You know when I was little there was an inspirational quote in a magazine I was subscribing to. It said "Love is..." and then there would be some sweet gesture put in words along with the sleazy cartoon. It was cute when I was ten years old. It's not really cute anymore. Yet I keep receiving them. They take on various forms, of course. But as soon as I go online, somewhere, sometime, an inspirational quote will pop up. It's very often something somebody famous said once, usually of little relevance to my present state of mind. I actually hate them. I don't know why - maybe it's simply the fact that copying somebody else's thought is so bloody boring to me. The other version of these quotes is supposed to make you feel better, such as "remember that you are special" and "take a moment to say thanks to all the little miracles that align your path during the day". I saw rather fear mongering religious quotes in front of churches in the USA and thought they were incredibly exotic (as in strange) and quaint. I couldn't believe that people had the right to put them up just like advertising signs (which admittedly are pretty daft as well). I joined Twitter after my trip to this strange land and now I find my path literally littered with all these quotes. As far as I know there are no fundamental Christians among my followers so I take it that it's just a habit that all these adults have adopted. I used to think only the occasional fundamentalist New Ager or other spiritual or religious person would do it: a little from above of course, that's more effective, and stating the obvious so as to give you a reason to doubt your own common sense as well as IQ, EQ and SQ. But I guess not... As far as I know it's mainly an American thing but as with so many other phenomena they often spread. I do wonder though whether Europeans really agree to have all this wisdom shoved down their throat every where they go... I don't know because there are so few of them online that I could ask. But an even greater question is: why is all this disguised "parental" guidance necessary?? I mean, what kind of dummy goes around feeling hateful all day and then goes online to chat with spiritually minded people? Surely everyone is grateful for something, every day? Aren't they...?

The other day someone wrote to me with the flattering request of either becoming my friend or possibly dating me. First I thought the profile was rather witty and deep, albeit self-assertive. It wasn't quite in tune with the letter and so I asked about it... turned out the text was copied from a description of this guys's astrological sign. Oh, I am sure it was meant as a joke but when you get old like me you don't want to fool around and second-guess about a possible date. I suppose he didn't know or consider that it's courteous towards the writer as well as the reader to label such copies with the original source. I felt betrayed since... well, I was a bit betrayed, wasn't I? I also thought it quite sad if this guy actually believed himself to be all those things listed and felt the need to bring them out... (needless to say, they were only superlatives). I'm Finnish, so I don't really like bragging. I also thought it sad that yet again, someone didn't trust their own creative juices to flow when needed. I feel a bit guilty to use this example and pinpoint an innocent victim but what is life without examples?

I learned at an early age to simply throw myself into the creative process of writing whenever there was a need to. Regardless whether the outcome was good or bad, it was without a shadow of a doubt better and more original than it would have been had I sat there and constructed it for hours. So yes, in this sense I'm a fairly accomplished writer. How can someone who has a hard time talking think that I would respond to the barest minimum of interaction? This happens to me a lot (I'm obviously trying too hard, it must be a sign). When I do find someone to interact with it often cheers me up and gets me going... I admit that something like that can really touch my heart. But unfortunately, I'm also getting cynical and tired about writing to people who don't appreciate it one bit (yes, yes, pearls to the swine and all that, well don't want to sound conceited on my part but sometimes I'm tempted to think this thought...). This constant making of efforts to connect with others really wears me out. Should I just let my computer die as apparently destined to and then let the internet be? We all know that it's a difficult thing to allow if you're lonely and bored. Well, I suppose someone as communicative as me finds it an impossible thing to do. So what is the alternative? Put up with all the incredibly uninteractive stuff out there and just smile and be lovingly understanding about it? I would indeed save my own ass if I did - according to all these Amercian New Agers that I encounter online only I can help myself and the tool is obviously the ever-elusive feeling of love. Oh, I don't disagree... of course not. There's always some truth or lesson in things that you encounter, even the Jehova's Witness I gather.

It's funny, because I used to feel very strongly about the Bodhisattva, which embodies the ideal of compassion. That's when I had a home to go back to if I had enough of other people and especially those who liked to show off their spirituality. Now all these people from all over the world have entered my living room, so there is no escape. It's amazing how some people just seem to sail across the turbulent sea of voices as if nothing could ever reach them... maybe their psychic protection is working for them. As for me, well, all I hear are voices. No, not the kind that would indicate that I'm ascending. Just human talk. Blablablablabla I'm so lucky and blessed blablablabla I had this fantastic kundalini experience blablablabla I have the best job in the world, if you want it too, please follow the link blablabla #followfriday I recommend that people follow N and X because they are such wonderful healing people blablabla people shouldn't focus their energy on the dark and thus perpetuate it but give it love and light blablabla have faith, hope and love for otherwise you will hamper the evolutionary shift blablablabla people must be told that they are all divine blablablabla I hear your pain but it would help if you remembered to be grateful blablabla who you are on the inside is what you attract into your life blablabla just let go of everything and become a conscious co-creator of the world blablabla if you don't feel love you will never get what you desire blablabla you are unique and always amazingly beautiful blablabla you have a choice, to be among those who ascend or not blablabla...

Artwork: "The Way of the World", handmade collage on paper by author, all rights reserved 2008

The Ascension and Moral - The Ascension Explained from My Point of View

The Ascension is the most common name for what is believed to be an evolutionary shift of the collective consciousness on Earth. As it has been talked about for very long and the belief that humankind is going from one level of existance to another is very widespread, then it would certainly be one of the biggest scams of all time if it wasn't true! The background that I have in Ken Wilber's philosophy helps me understand that consciousness does evolve just as anything else, and that there are stages humans go through individually as well as on a collective level. What follows here are some notes on the moral aspect of it all, but they are my personal speculations and not forged in stone. I have yet to encounter anyone who really seems to know what will happen. It does seem as if we're right in the middle of a transformative process, however, as chaos and confusion is all around and people appear more selfish than ever when in fact we are supposed to become more heart centred. After all, selfishness is the epitome of individuality (establishing a firm sense of self), which is what last evolutionary phase has been all about. It occurred to me, that there's a very good ontological (basic) reason why a selfishness that borders on plain narcissism is at the very centre of attention these days. Selfishness is the heightened and extreme expression of individuality, and we are hopefully leaving a stage of evolution that is mainly about the development of ego. Of course it's kicking as much as it can if change is ahead. It usually gets darker just before dawn, doesn't it.

I have observed New Age people and their thoughts for quite some time as well and have been influenced by the movement in certain ways. I have, however, sometimes been taken aback by the way that simple common sense ways of being have been twisted to suit some purpose that appears rather self-indulgent if not conceited. Many have been boldly proposing that there's going to be a "suvival of the fittest" kind of scenario with a fascist twist unless I have misunderstood it; people who are spiritual enough will according to this all heal physically and emotionally quite quickly now and so they will be superior to those who cannot keep up. Considering how many people are out there without a clue about any evolutionary shift, this seems rather supercilious and unrealistic to me. I doubt that physical illness will magically disappear. Some illnesses are also not fixable. I'm not sure how but surely people will continue to be in the need of challenges that develop the soul? Now another challenge might be that of affluence. I am personally not very keen on all the propaganda that "you can have it all because you were really meant to" since there seems to be way too many pitfalls when people start wanting and grasping. Poverty is certainly not a great state of being and it can drag you down a great deal. In short; worrying about money or thinking about it all of the time seem to me like a rather negative and extreme pursuit that takes away awareness from more "noble" and constructive ideals such as compassion and altruism. These are after all what the ascension promises to imbue the collective consciousness with. I personally try and avoid extremes and go for the middle path whenever possible.

However, if you do have money it seems to me that you would be better off thinking what good you can do with it. Not saying you can't enjoy it yourself too, only that it might be better for you if you strike a balance and really think about the ethical aspects and how this situation can help you grow as a person. It seems to me that while actively growing you automatically pay service to the rest of the world/universe - many of those things come as a biproduct that you don't need to worry too much about nor try and control. This would be one of the beautys of self-development...

I've also encountered view points according to which at this point of the ascension there's a division between the ones who have chosen their standpoint and those who haven't. The first could with good conscience leave the latter alone to wallow in their misery. Trouble is... there is never (as far as I've seen) any definition of exactly who is what. How do you know that you're on the "right side"? In my opinion this creates a lot of stress and hyped up feelings in people who think that they need to show their supremacy 24/7 so as to show everyone and the universe that they are on the ascension boat. On the other hand people are often guilt ridden because they feel they don't match up with ideals that they've read about somewhere...

Again, most people are living their lives clueless of what's happening... maybe they are going through some inner processes of re-evaluation but it's hard to know for sure since only spiritual people are vocal about these things (and have a frame of reference). Surely we can't just dismiss people callously, according to some vague definition on who would fit the bill of being the devil's advocate? I've seen too many so-called spritual aspirants show really nasty sides of themselves to believe that all this would be so black and white. I'm not even convinced that Obama, who is almost deified, is solely on the side of the good. I think in the end mistakes will be made simply because he's human and the collective is affecting everybody. On the other hand, this guy has indeed dipped into the worst kind of chaos and we can only hope that there will be a new regime with a new value system.

So how to determine if you're someone who should step up and be a leader? Well, having gone through a long training in spiritual strength could possibly qualify you as someone with enough wisdom and stamina to stand up for sound values and face the ignorant without fear. I think it's something a person should be able to do on their own, since the idea of gathering disciples or followers seems to me very "old world" like (or "3D" as opposed to 4D or 5D as people often call the levels when referring to the shift). I think a person can be a leader in a less than obvious way. Not ruling out certain situations where leading people in a very concrete way might be necessary, but only hoping that such a person is truly beyond any desire to be admired or at least able to keep such desires in check. I don't think there are any obvious external signs of who could be that sort of person. I do think that to some extent, people still need to be led and that dismissing the one's who are ill or poor as not vibrating high enough is against all common sense about compassion and the basic unity of humanity. People should at least be made aware of their choices, but how is this going to take place? In short I'm troubled that too much selfishness is still ruling people's choices but let's just hope evolution will take its natural course regardless and that all these questions will be solved in a natural manner.

I think that if I were a person suddenly compelled to step into leadership I'd hope that the tasks would come to me naturally without any forcing on my part. We can wish all we wish... ultimately I do not think that a truly wise person will be able to resist the voice of conscience and do what they are supposed to do for the good of the whole. I (as the spiritual people who believe in the ascension) assume that people are inherently good and only clouded by ignorance. Being in touch with your authenticity and goodness would compel you to be a compassionate being, because your core is of a divine nature and divine in this case is defined as equal to love. The ignorance and false beliefs about reality and self would have dissipated. This state of being is often referred to as Christ consciousness.

In my humble opinion the ascension has to do with listening to internal voices as opposed to external ones. Take for instance religion: exoteric religion that relies on dogmas and rituals seems to be making way to a more widespread interest in esoteric religion, which again relies on contemplation through inner states of being (mysticism). The New Age resembles mysticism to a large extent as presented in the world religions throughout the ages. So one would assume that moral would become something that arises from the inner self rather than the typical old world need to be told what to do (as if we were children). If we're in transition right now, then one can only assume this transition is difficult, since taking responsibility for your inner states no matter what they are is a tough thing to do.

I thus conclude that an evolved being has an innate sense of moral which is connected to a deep insight into the oneness of all beings. The sense of oneness is also one of the things that esoteric beliefs strive towards. Oneness (non-dualism or the belief and experience that we are all one on a deeper level) is what would compel an evolved person to the highest good for the whole rather than seeking self-indulgent pleasures alone. Not saying though that this person cannot experience pleasure and joy, on the contrary. It would just be different from the kind emanated from selfishness (what people refer to as the simple "ego", an illusory self).

I think that as you evolve, paradoxes become more evident. You go from an either-or kind of thinking to embracing both-and, and from there it also continues in a sort of dialectic way. Thus there may be no contradiction regarding an inherent moral that compels you to do good for the whole of existance, and an individual feeling of pleasure in doing so.

Power in my opinion is not necessarily a sign of a highly evolved being, as power can be understood in too many ways. There is a lot of talk of being empowered vs disempowered, and sure these are important aspects of the transformation of self. But to put too much emphasis on power per se can in my opinion make the whole thing tip over.

Artwork: "All the World's a Stage...", artwork on paper by author, all rights reserved 1998

Discernement When Communicating With Others

There's a point where communication stops being interactive. I can't say exactly where it is, but I seem to feel when it has been reached. It's not so much about asking questions, as I don't think that's always necessary. You can simply feel if the other person is responding to your rants even if they do it indirectly. What happens fairly often in my life is that there's a sense of sharing at first that quickly turns into some form of preaching. I feel that the other person didn't hear me correctly and that their response is about what they want to proclaim rather than feeling what I was trying to get across. I think a good conversation is based in agreement or an attempt at understanding the other person. If not, then there's no point in going on.

I can be quite opiniated and strong in my views but I don't think that I'm unyielding as long as there's a note of sympathy. I have usually attempted to hold back until there's a kind of silent agreement that one can advice the other in a direct manner. This usually happens after you know each other rather well already and know that what is being said is not part of a power game. On the other hand, power games are subtle and based in a deliberate attempt to confuse the other person into thinking like them.

I recently talked to someone who was telling me a lot of rather obvious spiritual "truths" as if I was a child... when I questioned their motifs they told me that I was on a path of trying to find someone to blame and that they didn't want to continue talking to me. They knew I tend to uncover people's less agreeable sides rather easily and so they used that against me, as my motif and goal. I had to swallow hard. Was I seeing things that were not there? Or was I being true to myself? Nobody can tell me that! I do know that I had an uncanny premonition that this would occur because the person in question started to insinuate that sometimes it's best to just let people go if they don't fit into the beliefsystem that this person was professing to. I also wondered how in comparison everyone else was shallow and wrong in their approach... How people are either spiritual or not... no grey scale allowed in this case. It was also a bit strange that these people were proudly presenting themselves as not charging anything for their healing yet asked me to look for someone in my vicinity who would give me some for very little since I can't afford it. Yeah right. I started to feel that this person was in fact looking for disciples and since they all had to be women and have certain beliefs it was a bit doubtful to me. The signs of a dominant mind were definitely there, as my opinions mattered little to this person. Of course in their opinion, they were not asking me to believe anything whatsoever. Well, that's easy to say, isn't it.

There's a certain pattern that some smart men follow when they want something from you, the woman. What they want is of course either sex or your soul. First they share their hardships to awaken your sympathies. Then they come onto you about your nice qualities. Then they start to tell you what to do and what to think. Remember that all this may occur in a very subtle manner. All I can say is, better be safe than sorry. If something doesn't feel quite right, then it probably isn't. It is never easy to say no and turn away, but it's unfortunately something a woman has to do quite often in today's world. I have realized that few men will be nice and polite when they end the conversation with you, so I don't see why you would have to be. I know more often than not women prefer to be nice but it rarely pays off. Getting all wound up and angry isn't going to work out either. Better show one's maturity, even if it's only towards oneself! All this being said, I've noticed men complaining about women too so I think that more and more women are asserting themselves out there and not always in very nice ways.

I take things to heart so easily, and so human communication is quite difficult and complicated from my point of view. On the other hand I try and watch and learn and hope that if I have made a mistake, I will be made aware of it in a manner that leaves no room for doubt. My goodness, what if I'm stuck in some terrible pattern that is truly detrimental to me as a human being? Yet unsolicited advice is no longer welcome... It's a very confusing world out there and we do need to look after our well being. On the other hand I don't agree with those who never want to risk getting hurt again. In my opinion, life is about risks and chances. Whatever hurts will pass. No pain, no gain. Would you rather sit alone in the same place for years or go out and gather experiences? I know that truly growing as a person isn't very popular and most do take the safe routes. No matter how much I suffer I rather not go only for the safe cards though. For instance, if someone truly wanted to discuss a communication problem with me I think I would still be willing to give of my time, though I have also become aware that it's not always advisable. But that's just me. All in all discernment is a tough topic. Whether you're right or wrong, people are hiding a lot of things and often have an agenda. All you really have is your gutfeeling.

Artwork: "Noli Me Tangere", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

Integrity and Dissidence

Integrity has become more and more important to me as I have been on a crash course with a lot of people. I used to be a bit of a "nice girl" and even to some extent a people pleaser. I always put up a smile and was therefore liked by most people. However, at the time that I became more connected to my denied emotions I also got involved in relationships that were not very good for me. Since I have my condition I do need adventure and stimulation but the right amount... impatience and pushiness only causes my heart to race and I get very wound up. Nowadays, after years of difficulties in relation to other people and life in general, I can say that I have almost no stress tolerance at all. I'm very sad to witness my own lack of fuse... So what I need to do is try and stay away from people who are choleric and impatient with me.

Now the trouble is... I have discovered that I'm quite stubborn and as my discernment has grown as a result of dealing with so many kinds of people I have become quite unsubmissive. This may well cost me friendships that could be of some use in my life. I try and cut the B.S. as soon as I can... At times I'm simply so overwhelmed by things that I react a bit too much and too fast - and so I scare some people away. This is really not who I used to be but the past few years have changed me. The sad thing is, that people will tolerate it as little as I tolerate other people's negative behaviour. Of course they cannot understand why I don't respect their wishes while I don't understand why they contact is based in something that looks like complete and utter selfishness to me. Don't get me wrong; I never yell and scream at people I don't know very well. That is reserved to very close relationships or situations were people are complete and utter assholes... it happened recently at the social security office. The point is that when you feel cornered and helpless you lash out in various degrees depending on the gravity of the situation. The relationship that contains some degree of dependency will nowadays do that to me because I've had enough of stupidity.

People who try and help will of course advice me not to react to the sorry ones who don't know better than to attack or pester me in some way. It is indeed very true that when you show no reaction, people have nothing to bounce off. This is however quite difficult when you have a pathologically low stress level and your exhaustion is a fact. I have realized to my horror that although it helps to narrate things that happen to me, I probably come across as judgmental. I say; let the ignorant ones blush. Show them a mirror! But the problem is, there's a time to stand up for your rights and there's a time to be passive. I have practiced a lot of passive response now for many months while I've been pondering all this. There have been many instances where I have decided to hold my tongue because I knew that speaking up would change nothing and only make me appear as immature. However, speaking up is also a way of drawing attention to you that can be the start up of change both in your own life as well as in the lives of others. These things need careful assesment.

One owes it to oneself to protect one's integrity because people are unfortunately often quite selfish and will use you if you don't. Frustration and anger can be fuel for new choices and constructive change. But too much of it will only exhaust you and make you look like an irrational fool. I wish that my writing will help people realize that they need to open up to others and connect, as well as be more understanding of those who suffer from various illnesses. The ill ones already have enough on their plate and don't need more... I am indeed a dissident and I think the world needs my and other dissident people's voice as much as ever. The world the way it is today is not okay!

I'm also painfully aware that I get nervous and irritated with people who seem narcissistic and shallow in their cry for the best and the fastest right here and now, and I don't always have the strength to dig out some compassion... And so I judge. As some people recently pointed out, there is no reason to blame another person for not following your expectations. It's rather ludicruous to think that they or you are wrong! Though people may yell at you while you're minding your own business and that is not a nice thing to do, ultimately it's about incompatibility. We simply cannot go around and feel angry about all those who don't understand us - they are way too many. Well... I admit that it's not easy but I try and brainwash myself to let go of any resentment of having been treated badly or any mistakes that I feel I have committed in relation to others. After all, I was not alone when it happened... if there had been a will there usually would have been a way...

Basically, however, I come in peace and hope to be treated the same. Being judgmental is part of our basic psychological make-up as human beings, and I don't think we can abolish it altogether. But we can try and remind ourselves to minimize the judgmental thoughts. Give the brain 2-3 weeks to adapt!

Artwork: "Emotions 3/8" ("A Peace Offering"), handmade collage on paper made by author, all rights reserved 2002

Some Definitions on Mysticism

I took part in a discussion about mysticism and threw in a few things out of my memory. It's been a while (ten years) so I need to read up a little and think some more, but for now, some of the things I brought out in answer to some questions.

For one thing, mysticism isn't a science but the study of mysticism is because it attempts to collect evidence, resort to empirical studies, define and categorize. It's thus as much a strand of science as psychology is. As for the experiences of mystical nature, yes they are basically either of a dualist or oneness nature, however "Oneness" is generally considered a more desirable AND higher state of consciousness on the ladder of consciousness expansion. Whether these are true or not is of course impossible to determine for sure as they can only be of a subjective nature but there are some contemporary writers who have done a good job in defining these things.

It may also be useful to think of mysticism as esoteric as opposed to exoteric. Esoteric is the practice of spirituality/religion that looks inwards for the answers and experiences, whereas exoteric is the opposite. Most traditional forms of relgion are of course exoteric as they rely a lot on a dualistic approach to some form of God or Gods and also rituals such as various forms of sacrifice. In short I don't see there is much one can argue about when it comes to mysticism!

This reminds me of the Taoist idea that you cannot speak of that which cannot be spoken of. As soon as you try, it no longer is the ineffable. The whole point with a real mystical experience seems to me to be to transcend words, since words rely on a dualist experience of reality. The experience of the underlying oneness of all things is the "goal" or point. On another note, not that many people have really been there and if they have, it's usually been really shortlived. What the future hold is another story though. Who knows what will become accessible to consciousness when evolution (the evolution of conciousness in this case) takes us further?

There are apparently many ways of conceiving dualism but I'm referring to the idea of yin and yang. In my "simple" world there is high and low, light and dark, happy and sad, etc... classic examples of the play of opposites in a dualist world. We tend to choose sides, take a stand for one thing and shun its opposites. I find this working fairly well in my day-to-day experiences and attempts to understand how humans act, for instance. Understanding life as a paradox where you attempt to join these together in a both-and kind of thinking rather than the adverse either-or. It's not, according the Buddhist philospher Nagarjuna, the ultimate answer to the ineffable, but closer to the understanding and hopefully consequent experience of oneness. A real life-changning mystical experience would of course be something akin to enlightenment, but it doesn't (as far as I understand) guarantee that life be free of conflicts caused by life in a dualist world.

However, even if things are not complete extremes but rather somewhere on a gray scale, it doesn't mean they would not be situated opposite of each other. In terms of psychology, which I know best, it seems to me that people do drift into extremes before they "come to" and realize that change has to be made. Or then change just happens, I don't know but I actually think we are less in charge than we believe. This would be a bit like the Hegelian idea of thesis-antithesis=synthesis. This kind of dialectic process would eventually lead to a higher state of consciuosness where the sense of self would be dissolved without getting lost. The sense of self gets lost if you are mentally ill and lose yourself in psychosis, for instance. I'm not a fan of Western thinking so I personally prefer the Buddhist idea that the sense of self is ultimately an illusion and so one can actually have an experience in which the illusion disappears from consciousness. There are some researchers of consciousness who promptly deny this sort of possibility but many who are acquainted with the Asian way of looking at it don't see it as impossible. My own experience of meditation is that you have an object to focus on for a while (it could actually be music, it works really well) and that focus then brings about a more expansive and profound experience of one's own being. I suspect that's a preliminary to a mystical experience.

Take a cat (because I have three of them): are they thinking? In my opinion they are pretty highly evolved beings and decision makers, but they don't have language. So they have I suppose all these images and impressions in their minds, and they are also able to remember things for various lengths of time. There's a lot going on there but they are still way more present in the now than we are, because we rely on language to entertain us about the past and the future. Perhaps a cat already is a mystic? They certainly have no trouble feeling connected to life in every way (unless of course their psyche's been badly damaged). Or can only humans who are able to transcend language, be potential mystics? These are questions that are surely almost impossible to answer.I wouldn't say Buddhists are agnostics. They have a hell of a lot of beliefs about other dimensions... No one ever claimed there is no God, only that it's ineffable and so in my opinion they are careful about defining it.

As for the Supreme Consciousness, well Oneness implies that it's everywhere. In a sense it's "underlying" all of creation and pervading it yet that's just a way of trying to explain it semantically that obviously doesn't catch the "overall" character of that Supreme "something". Here is where paradox would again enter the scene because Oneness is One AND duality at the same time. It's just us who cannot conceive of such great things who call these things such and such... whereas I'm sure that from some more enlightened point of view there is no problem. Why I'm sure? Uh, just what I believe :-). I do think the inner knowing about the state of affairs that is not tied to language is possible but it does require language to step aside. That's the difference between traditional prayer and meditation; in prayer you talk a lot! In meditation you attempt to bypass the alluring nature of blahblahblah that ties you to the timeline. Time, of course, being yet another illusion that we already know is not a "palpable thing" but a phenomenon relative to objects in space: time seems to take us from a to b but in fact, there are incidents where time is not an issue regarding our experience of reality. One case is that of psychological experiences that may be as vivid now as they were 30 years ago. It seems to me that there is yet another fundamental paradox related to the fact that time is an illusion and everything is available in the now, and our experience of evolution and a timeline. There are in fact many things we already take for granted as part of our day-to-day lives yet we find hard to explain. I personally don't understand how I can talk from one mobile phone to another, lol! Why would the idea of various states of consciousness meet with such resistance then? As you say, even coma is a state of consciousness. They say the person in question may even be aware of what is going on. Ah, so little we know yet!

Artwork: "Between Heaven and Earth", artwork by author, all rights reserved 1998

Dating on the Internet - For Better and for Worse

Ok... so even when people have obviously lost it, I secretely consider their thoughts and so-called "good advice"... In this case I figured I should give the dating sites another chance, after all I don't want to end up an opiniated and angry spinster who has no concern for anyone else! However, it had to be for free. Not a local one, because I cannot deal with people from my own country. I also cannot deal with people calling me on the phone and coming too close too soon. Ultimately, I want out of my country because I'm choking on Finnishness. Explaining why would require another post, I feel.

First, I tried Sweden. I'm Finnish-Swedish, for the simple reason that Finland was a part of Sweden for a long time and the coastal areas close to the motherland tend to have a lot of Swedish-speaking population. This is a reason I don't feel very comfortable with the Finnish culture and its language, which requires the activation of a whole different area of the brain. It's arduous, in other words.

Every site is different and not so obviuos to figure out. In this case it seemed that I had a free account for three days. Ok. After two days I had 500 views and a few letters. One guy seemed (judging by his profile) like the walking image of myself - wow, a spiritual guy with an interest in cats and all things beautiful! Nonetheless, he showed no true interest in me and was exceptionally aloof. Well, truth to say I'd call his approach quite assertive, even. "Are you going to be the way you think you are or how I find you? I would like to hear your non-mainstream ideas on spirituality". That was all, for starters. No kind or encouraging words. No looking at my artwork. After a couple of strange mail exchanges where I felt like talking to a wall I asked if he really wants to know me. No, in fact he didn't think we would be a match, our pace was obviously different. No courteous goodbyes or anything. Keep it simple, I suppose. Another guy wrote only a line or two and stretched his wooooords. In a second mail he did that and then told himself, oh, stop being siiiilllllyyyyy. He explained: you sooo remind me of Mark L, it's so cuuuute. Mark L is a Finnish-Swedish, somewhat annoying gay TV reporter who made it in Sweden while keeping his typical Finnish-Swedish accent. Great. I feel so uplifted! Then we had the desperate guy, the one who wanted to give me eeeeeverything. Love, love and more love. He was 68. That's, what? 26 years my senior. There was also the cultural guy, the one who had been in Finland and knew about life over here. He said that some foreigner had written an article called "Dreaming in Finland". Very poignantly he pointed out, that in Finland, you do indeed get to do a lot of dreaming... He had gone blind but who cares? I looked his profile up and found that he was... 68. Breathe deeply... Then of course I shouldn't leave out the one who noticed he didn't fit my age requirement since he was 59 but proclaimed; "Here in the mediterranean area where I stay a lot age really is of no consequence at all". That was naturally just a selection. There were some normal letters as well but among other things I have no intention of learning folkdance. My conclusion: A few Swedish men may have some trouble knowing how to approach a woman in a way that is not A MAJOR TURN OFF! Maybe that's the cost of equality. I also get the feeling I've had before: most of them think I'm way too far away. Funny, huh? Now American optimism seems rather alluring again.

I also found some rather dead-looking site that I joined for free, and late in the evening still tried a third one that someone suggested. This one seemed hip and succesful. 100 % free. Alright! Men from all over the world! Woohoo! Heart sinking when I realize that they absolutely have to see me run off with someone in my OWN AREA. And when that doesn't work, my OWN COUNTRY. Turns out that looking for anyone anywhere else is as arduous as finding likeminded people on Twitter. What's up with this? Well, I did get a nice and perfectly civilized letter from a someone in a country I also consider moving to, so it didn't start that bad. It probably started off with more flare than it continued, but at least someone showed interest... My heart sinking again, though, as I find that my art is not making much of an impression. Well, that's one of my checking points anyway.

The following day when I'd gotten up, my laptop was beeping, and turned out someone was IM'ing me. Oh, alright, an American in our capital city. Have to say, I got caught unawares and could only think of the next thing to write. So there I was, writing away an hour of my life. Only to suddenly hit the inevitable question; do I have erotic fantasies and how do I pursue them. My answer is that I demand to know what his intentions are; be honest! Of course I already knew. He says: "phone, be right back". Yeah right... after a while IM was off. Classical, just as I've heard it being told. I'm trying not to be upset but I realize that I truly resent someone trying to push me when I have explicitly asked for dates and not any funny business. I am also upset that I wasted an hour of my life on this creep! Later I did find a way of blocking such requests and for that I am grateful.

How funny that I get to see other people trying to manipulate and confuse me in order to get something they want from me while all this is going on. I must have done some horrible things karma wise to be obliged to witness people's odder aspects to this extent. I try and maintain my cool and not give in. I also witness an orthopedist preventing a crazy Egyptian doctor from chopping off a piece of my foot that should under no circumstances be damaged because there is nothing to work with after a previous surgery. I sweat, cry and wonder what on earth is going on? Am I being saved here even though it was done in the usual rather patronizing manner, "from above". So many are attempting to appear all-knowing and me - a sad case of un-knowing, if one were to read the script.

By this time I'm a little upset and aware that once again, the dating business is stressing me, it's no joke, and I could do without that kind of stress. I know I don't fit the dream image of most guys out there. So what do I do? Sit back and wait for the Universe to take care of it all, or try and forge my own destiny? In the first case, it's obvious that the Universe will have trouble guiding anyone to little Finland to look for me. In the second case, it's obvious that I will be wasting my time and spending hours of frustration and disappointment to no avail.

When in doubt, leave out? No, when in doubt, go for the middle path. That's what I always say, and strangely, it still stands. It's about the only spiritual thesis that still does. I'll continue to leave my little ginger bread crumbs in the forest and see if Hansel will find me. If he doesn't, then I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Artwork: "Loose Promises", handmade collage on paper by author, all rights reserved 2008

Don't Be a Know-All!

True kindness will beat a piece of so-called "good advice" any time, and I am saying this without hesitation. People who have listened or shared my difficulties, who have bought me catfood or given me donations, have done more good than all the self-righteous people who were so eager to preach to me about all the things I should do and especially about the workings of the Law of Attraction. It strikes me that those who are full of good advice rarely say anything encouraging or positive about me. They may preach about the importance of being open and kind towards others but fail to display signs of true kindness and compassion themselves. Their advice is mostly a disguised form of patronizing reprimand that ultimately undermines one's own sense of dignity.

I am writing all this so that people would consider what it means to be a know-all and someone who does more harm through a lack of real knowledge about, and insight into, someone else's situation. I know that we all have a tendency to be this way at times when we wish to help but don't know how. Unfortunately, if we always excused this kind of behaviour as well-meaning babble, we'd remove the responsibility of each and every one to be a better co-human being. I will give an example from my own life, the way I usually do even though I risk being ridiculed. This is not because I have the strength to deal with personal attacks, though. I know it sounds contradictory but I'd like for people to understand someone like me. I have an illness that seriously undermines my ability to deal with adversity but I am a stubborn person who will not give away any of my integrity. Recently I've been wondering how on earth I can make this work for me. Even thinking about it wears me out.

Strange enough, there were three social events this week during which, for a change, I was able to meet people in real life. The first one went well and did help me relax and get away from my problems for a while. The other ones included a person that I don't know that well but I thought of as a nice and happy person, albeit somewhat self-centred. Thus, I was totally unassuming. Well, this lady who is over 20 years my senior started to try and convince me that I have to reply to dating ads in the newspaper read by our linguistic minority. There are times when I cut a contact short very fast because I sense that something is wrong and my integrity is being compromised. For instance, earlier this week I did this with a man online who started off on a flirtatious note but then changed from warm to cool in a matter of days. I knew I had done nothing wrong but when I mentioned this and asked what the deal is, he as many before him started to blame me by turning it around to look as if I was emotionally attached to him. I guess this is a game many men like to play, be it subconsciously or not. I can't accept it, though maybe it will keep me lonely for the rest of my life. I guess I should add that as stated in other blogs of mine I also cannot deal with the stress of unclear relationships. When I was listening to this lady though, I was unable to cut her short. Maybe part of me wanted to give her advice a chance. I know I tend to do this at times. But she was relentless and wouldn't take no for an answer when I didn't agree with her point of view. I tried to explain how stressful the past few years have been in terms of relationships so I'm not sure what risks I can take now, but she wasn't listening. She also figured I am too picky. She has no idea how much I've tried to accommodate to men in my past and lower my expectations, and how I've realized that I mustn't sell myself cheap. Among other things I said that I have enough of egotrippers but she told me straight in my face that I am obviously one too so I have to learn to take turns with someone else who is the same! I felt my heart beat faster and my face boil; signs of increasing stress. Those who heard all this clearly thought she was out of line. My mother said "Vivi-Mari is after all on disability for a reason..." but it didn't help much. In the end I tried to laugh it all off, though in fact my evening was ruined from having been reminded of such painful issues and the feeling that my personal experiences weren't acknowledged by the lady of monologues. I've said a thing or two about overly "positive" people before, but apparently I'm not done with it. There has to be a balance, but who these days is a truly balanced individual?

The following day the group was slightly different but the lady of the endless monologues was also there. After some stories that were somewhat amusing but contained a lot of name dropping and talk about her aristocratic environment she suddenly started to talk about how some people may be predestined to important tasks. I tried to say that viewpoints on such issues depend on each and every one's spiritual beliefsystem, but she didn't listen. Her eyes were almost bulging when she insisted that something is causing this predestination. Then she started to talk about my boyfriend issue again and gave me a whole range of pieces of advice about that and other things in life. Now she felt that I am looking for the prince on the white horse that would "save" me. I said sourly that I am intelligent enough not to believe that anyone would save me (though one naturally hopes someone would appear as a helping hand). No, now I had to listen to a sermon about how I should be looking for female friends instead, without knowing whether I have any or not! She assumed that I keep everyone at bay. I said that I always give new people a chance. "A chance??", she exclaimed. "Don't you realize what you're saying? A chance! Now that is telling..!". I attempted to explain that all it means, is that I try and be open about each new person who enters my life. Does it have to mean anything more than that? She didn't listen as usual but insisted that I'm closed off and unwilling to open up towards people, so no wonder I'm alone!

Now I think that it's pretty clear that when you are being bombarded with unsolicited advice you normally do get defensive. In my opinion this is what accounts for the "wall" she said she encountered in me. Maybe I should have been aggressive and stopped her right then and there but I am not able to in a social situation like that. I tried as usual to explain my situation a bit but she told me that I obviously don't want my situation to change since I'm so negative about her advice (implying anybody else's advice too, of course). She was totally convinced that I don't allow anyone close and that it was her job to make me realize that I need to let my guard down. In reality I am struggling not to give up on people and I am also struggling to change my life situation for the better. Really, I should just have yelled "who are you to judge me when you know nothing about me?!" but I was stunned and also unwilling to raise my voice in the company of the lovely hostess of this get together.

I was actually left alone with the argumentative lady for quite some time because the others went to smoke. My mother who was present for some of the time told me today that she did later reprimand this lady for having trespassed my boundaries big time and had also pointed out that I really am not emotionally nor physically equipped to withstand attacks on my integrity. In fact this lady is in the medical field, which probably only made her even more opiniated. It seems to be very hard for most people to understand that someone can lack any stress tolerance at all. I look normal and in general nothing gives me away. I don't exactly want to flag my condition since I'm trying to live as normal a life as possible. But the truth is I am ill. I eventually started to cry because there was nothing I could do to keep her from continuing to attack me. She then winced a bit and came to my side and said that she simply wants to help me when she sees how guarded and closed off I am... She talked about being a Rosen therapist and how I must consider therapy, but of course I would rather be offered a real session than be told to do something I cannot afford. She then left and the hostess came to check on me. The hostess said it's obvious that some people are very eager to pass on judgment and "good advice" without really knowing what the hell they are talking about. She doesn't know that much either but what I have said she has registered. I didn't want to make her upset about the incident in her home so I dried my tears and pretended that I was okay.

What was left of the evening was spent trying to make the insisting lady understand that I really cannot write much by hand anymore because I am ill, and also trying to explain about the internet to her while she kept saying she thinks it's all stupid and she doesn't understand why anyone would like to blog, participate online in forums or talk to strangers. I tried to bring out the idea that one sometimes has to learn how to draw one's lines online, especially someone like me. I'm a little too nice, serious-minded, over-sensitive and not able to cope with stress. This is a reality for all who have some form of fibromyalgia. My point was that I am having to learn to say no to a lot of people, but of course the plaguing lady had to turn that into a negative attitude as well!

When I biked home in the biting cold night I felt very tense and unhappy, when in fact the evening could have made a positive difference in my life. I was thinking how easily people like this can make reality tip over for someone who is depressed and suicidal. As a side note: fibromyalgia causes a form of depression that cannot be cured, but if one has supportive friends and family it's not always a problem. It took me most of the weekend to get over the feeling of physical weakness and distress that these two evenings had caused, though my mother's understanding and supportive words helped a bit. As I'm writing this my heart is starting to race again. I will end here but just remind everyone that you can never know what problems a person is battling with. Granted; the lady I've used as an example probably had some issue on her mind that made her go even more overboard than one could ever have expected. My odd life situation always triggers people and I don't know what to do other than become more guarded. But I should also add as a friend drew my attention to our inner fences and adjusting one's reactions, that I am working on trying not to get too affected by those who attack me. Most of the attacks are just emotional projections, but my stress is real enough.

Artwork: "Cake with Cream" or "Coucou", digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2008

A Lonely Valentine's Day - How to Deal with it?

Many people really dislike Valentine's day because it reminds them of lost love or non-existant love. There is no hope of getting a traditional anonymous card or gift of admiration. Most men who are in a relationship are fretting about trying to find a gift. Of course, a man hates to feel obliged to show their love because of being asked to. Many women feel the same. One of the few times I got flowers sent to me they came very late in the evening because the owner of the local flowershop didn't have time to deliver them earlier. What a bummer! As it happens, the man who sent them was the only man who has come even close to actually loving me in a way that one would expect (I have to say that he did try very hard to make it work and he did come back for me as well). So of course that's a loss that is hard to forget until something better comes along - IF it comes along. Anyway - as I've approached middle age (lo and behold!) I've started to resent all the holidays that are being imposed on us. Most of them leave you feeling vacant and disappointed. I used to love Christmas but even that has turned into a nightmare as there's only me and my mother and we have no money to spend.

I've noticed that Americans are big on all sorts of holidays and special occasions, including the infamous American style weddings that leave people in debt for decades. Everything is done grand style, which truthfully is something many of us do dream of (but not so many are able to put into practice). I wonder how people hold it together. All the planning and decoration and spending money must take a great toll on everyone. With the obligation to keep smiling it must be a true nightmare at times if you are not able to share the burden with other family members. One trend I've noticed online though is the attempt to come up with days that have some kind of "positive theme". It could be kindness day which means that you have to say something nice about other people. I rebel since I don't want to be told when to be kind nor do I understand why I should have to be told to be kind in the first place! Another big theme is that of gratitude. If you ask me, I have a natural feeling about things and sometimes I feel grateful when it's appropriate and other times I'm angry because I have a reason to. I doubt that my life would change radically if I went around forcing myself to say gratitude about everything every day. Alright, alright, I understand that you're supposed to really feel it. Ok, I get the idea. But I hate to be preached about it. I'll still prefer the watercourse way, that of letting yourself feel what you feel and learn about the anatomy of your inner life in the process.

Maybe the sense of the end of times (c.f. all the apocalyptic prophesies and lightworkers' assemblies) create even more tendencies in people to want to preach a truth that is going to help save the world. I've talked about this before so you might as well just read my previous posts. I've noticed, though, that a certain barometer of spiritual sentiments has gone up big time in the past few years. I have no doubt that some of it is very healthy and a sign of caring and a sincere wish for growth. But some of it is simply annoying as it's attempting to enrouch on other people's belief systems so that we will all walk the "right" path towards salvation. Spreading the love by attempting to make people feel something when they aren't feeling it naturally is to me a bit of an abomination, because it usually entails the opposite as well which is to deny the negative feelings one might have. It would be much better to talk about mindfulness and the allowance of feelings to come and go in a natural manner. And I am implying, that it is truly a natural occurence. I also maintain that we will naturally feel what we need to feel when it's appropriate if we have learned to be open, flexible and allowing towards ourselves and have some understanding of the anatomy of feelings.

Cool off, take it easy. For the majority of us in the Western world it's going to be an oppressive Valentine's Day. But so be it. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling and I am sure you'll be relieved. If possible, pamper yourself and do nice things that takes your mind off the collective hysteria. If possible, meet some good friends. I'm invited to meet with some women who are about 20 years my senior. But they are good people and above all, they are real. I am done with trying to connect through the internet, especially with men. It's doomed to failure. If you ask me, I think a great part of the men who spend most of their leisure time by the computer are either hopelessly addicted nerds or real creeps.

Artwork: "Other than Chocolate", handmade collage especially commissioned for Valentine's Day 2009, all rights reserved.

The idea is to encourage people to show their love in many ways and not just by giving the traditional chocolate box, or the heartpatterned boxers, for that matter. Love shows in words and actions - that's when it truly comes into its own. Especially actions speak volumes... Companionship and the fusion of two people's love is like a special lock to be opened with a special key... which is yours? And how do you unlock another person's heart in - in the unique way that will do the trick for them? The star on the lock is an esoteric symbol of feminine and male in conjunction.

Equality Between Men and Women is Still a Hypothesis

I met some real life people yesterday and feel a little better today. This blog connects to an earlier blog about gender issues.

I come from a country where men and women had to work side by side in a rather equal fashion in order to survive the harsh climate. At least that's how equality in our country is usually being explained. Note that Finland is among the few countries that has a female president.

I don't deny that my way of expressing myself can be perceived as strong by some people, but I am by no means a bully. I am not trying to get the upper hand, only have equal rights with everyone else. I am tender and giving but won't waste my efforts on anyone who only wants to reinforce their ego. I can't afford wasting my precious energy, as I don't have that much of it (at least for the time being). The fact that men have complained about the strong will of mine tells me that they have not been very strongwilled individuals themselves. I also wonder whether maybe I have had trouble understanding the subtle differences that seem to exist between men and women in other countries. Most Scandinavians (or rather people of the Nordic countries to be more exact) agree that there is more open or latent chauvinism with the male part of the population in other Western countries. It's a well known fact, however, that even in the North men and women are not given equal work opportunities nor always the same income. The idea that the man has to support the family is still hanging on. It also seems to me that at this point in time, men are confused and intimidated by strong women who either express themselves in independent terms or climb the career ladder with a lot of stamina. It's no news that we're living through some major reform in this sense.

The other day I was still upset about the way that my needs were being downplayed by a guy and how (in my own experience) I was rejected rather cruelly. I more or less demand from a man to be treated with equality and respect, but it seems to me that most men don't agree on the definition of "equal". I might have greater luck in my own country, but unfortunately I don't want to be in a relationship where Finnish is the main language. I'm truly a minority of a minority of a minority...

There's a whole science about "Venus and Mars" that I won't go into here since I'm not that familar with it nor am I sure that everything can be so neatly categorized. But one thing that I've noticed in my own life is that men want to be in charge of how a relationship develops. It starts with them deciding when to write or call, how to meet, and where to develop the contact. This to me is extremely stressful because for one thing I find it unacceptable and unfair, and on the other hand it wears on my over-stressed nervous system. I easily break down like I did the other day if I have to put up with a state of not knowing what the deal is. I realize that I have a big problem. I realize that no matter how much I would have to give to a guy, this little thing could wreck all my chances of ever finding anyone. I'm sorry guys, but actions speak louder than words. I simply don't trust your talk of equality anymore. Thus I am trying to come to terms with the fact that loneliness just might be my only company for the rest of my life. After all, almost half the population in Sweden are single people, I hear. I won't be here to live the times when equality is real and palpable and men have accepted to remove their blindfold.

In answer to a comment I wrote the other day, I said that I wish that men would realize how emotional women can sometimes be without it meaning half as much as they think. Secondly, I wish they would realize that their actions cause us to fret and ruminate for ages afterwards. Women spend an enormous amount of time trying to understand men, but when do they ever care to understand us? In other words; how can we ever reach true equality if one part of the population is not interested in investing any efforts into truly understanding the other part? This leads me to the core of my thinking, which is that rather than choosing sides and thinking in terms of either-or the way we are used to, we should really try and embrace both-and. So even though I'm a bit sad and nervous about the way men so easily dismiss me as "difficult" I still hope to give each individual the benefit of doubt. But my refusal to be submissive is probably going to cost me a lot of things that belong to a normal life on Earth.

P.S. Actually I was being really nice on this blog. If a man comes onto a woman and she's confused about it, he still seems to hold the right to be baffled and blame her for having allured him.

Artwork: "Emotions 6/6", handmade collage on paper by author, all rights reserved 2002

A Nervous Breakdown

I woke up with a really ghastly feeling in my stomach. Last night I thought I was over the emotional shock of being so bluntly rejected by someone I trusted, but apparently I'm not. It was curious how this person was so angry about narcisissm yet displayed the same signs himself; very agreeable in the beginning when things worked according to his schemes, but as soon as they didn't he's like a child who was denied candy in a candy shop. All I kept hearing was "me, me, me" and a somewhat patronizing way of telling me what "we" need to do, and it completely freaked me out. There's not that much good to say about myself either because I just lost it. I really didn't display my anger, merely tried to negotiate, but I might as well have talked to a wall. The bottom line is, I went into a state of extreme anxiety, which might have been some form of post traumatic disorder as a result of too many failed relationships over a short period of time. I'm not saying I'm without fault. My intensity, impatience, and perceptiveness has caused me to over-react to many things. Of course it's hard to say when my reactions have been justified and in proportion with the problem, but if my sensitivity is leading to this kind of insurmountable problems, then what's the use of trying to connect with anyone anymore?

When I met this person I had a beautiful dream one night where everything was difficult at first but then miraculously, everything was being taken care of and this enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders. I couldn't believe the feeling of not having to struggle anymore. I realized upon waking what a ridiculous strife my life has been. But I really have had no choice. At times I could have taken the easy way out and stayed put, but with my need for change and adventure it would have driven me crazy too. So I've worn my heart on my sleeve for many years now but nothing good has come out of it. Even if I do believe that in certain ways we attract what we need in order to grow or simply something that reflects some inner issue, I never anticipated that the opening up of my emotional life would cause so much grief. In comparison, life used to be very easy and smooth. Maybe it's also due to the collective and its changes. But the thing is, I no longer know how to deal with my emotional self. I mean, I understand that I just need to ride out the storms. But I am starting to worry that something really bad will happen to me soon or that I won't be able to function in a relationship anymore. This person also knew that I have the condition which causes me to have very low stress tolerance, but he never asked about it so he either didn't care or didn't want to know. I tried to say that it's not an issue in the company of the right people. But I don't seem to attract the tolerant kind of men. Why? I do much soul searching but I have fewer and fewer answers.

I'm sorry to say this but never have I had as much trouble with people as I have with Americans online. I also hate to put one big bunch of people in one bag. For some reason though, it seems that I just cannot make my voice heard in their company. I really don't know how to explain this. But it's as if I had been part of a cult where my whole sense of self had been systematically undermined. There is only one person I am able to talk to but she's a very intelligent woman who isn't shaken by my ups and downs. The others... well, truth to say I think they know more about me than I ever did about them, and so they had the upper hand. My last experience seemed like that. I got to hear from this guy that you don't expect a person's friendship and trust, you earn it. Well yes... the thing is I thought I already had. I did have an expectation and that was to be heard when I was in distress. Unfortunately, emotional distress in the form of a crisis doesn't wait for people to have time. Apparently this person thought I was being extremely selfish for having a crisis when he wasn't up to it. And I promise I did not bombard him with any long, abusive letters. They were merely short statements about what was going on from my point of view. That I might have had trouble keeping my thoughts together might have been a fact. To really put a knife where it hurt he had to ban me from his Flickr stream though he could have simply removed me from his contacts. This person, who thought of so many others as predators, was definitely one himself. I think that intuitively, I felt this and that's why I broke down.

The question is, did this person do the right thing by abandoning me right then and there with the view that it was all too complicated and too much for him to deal with? As I said, I didn't know this person all that well, but what I had seen of his values I had liked a lot. In retrospect I think that he was only gratifying his own self-esteem by sucking in my encouraging words. It's ironic, since it's hard for me to express any form of admiration for other people, let alone a guy. And I'm not talking about infatuation. There are many more nuances to emotions than that! The fact that he didn't stick around tells me that my break down was a real indication that I was dealing with a hyper selfish person. I have met many now, and so I recognize them fairly soon.

So yes, I was having a fit - but I didn't accuse him. I tried to take responsiblity for my own emotions and the crisis I was going through. I even warned him that it was coming. In my opinion if you already like someone, you give them a chance. He could have been the great friend who helped me ride through the storm and come out on the other side. But no. He was all for great friendship and how one's basic need is to be heard and understood. He was obviously only talking for himself. What happened instead was that I had one more traumatic relationship to add to my list. And unfortunately, this whole thing has undermined my emotional stability even more. It will be even more difficult for me to trust someone. I don't know why this is happening. I don't see myself deserving it and whatever desperation I may feel I try and contain. But now - I'm now officially a nervous wreck.

Artwork: "Caught in the Ice", digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2008

Being Discerning in the Beginning of Relationships

In relation to my previous blog entry, I have to say that I am still in great shock of how quickly encouraging words can turn into the opposite. I think it's normal to feel thrilled when someone tells you how wonderful you are because of your kindness and how happy they are to know you because you help them to understand themselves better. You open up and trust a person who does that. But then you start to feel that something is not quite right. There is so much talk about what makes the person in question feel comfortable and how difficult it is when people don't meet with expectations on that level. It seems that you're alright to the extent that you support and help the person reach his private goals. Ok, sometimes it's all very well. But how can you know that this nice person is not just projecting outwards what they have established about themselves? People have shadow sides, and it's in the nature of these denied parts of the self to be unkown to the conscious self. Usually other people trigger us so that we have an opportunity of becoming aware of this part of the self. I tend to trigger people a lot because I'm quite perceptive and intuitive. It has ruined many a friendship, mostly on the internet where everything is intense and open in a kind of scary way.

I'm very sad that so few people think along such terms. All relationships would be smoother if people realized they are mirroring their own issues in the other person. They say they want to grow but do they really know what that means and how painful it can be at times? I made the recent mistake of thinking that someone who seemed to like me a great deal would understand that I was about to go through some painful issues and would be there for me. The more I tried to explain myself, the more I found myself in an impossible maze that shouldn't have had to come about in the first place. Had I only been allowed to talk and had this person only lend me an ear... well, things would sure be very different right now and I would be proud to call this person a friend. As it was, I was shunned and ridiculed. There wasn't much this person actually said. Maybe he was, after all, polite enough not to, or he simply didn't have a solid case. Or he was the "cold war" type who rather stay aloof. Or maybe this guy was scared that his shadow side was being exposed? I don't pretend to know, as I don't pretend to be all-knowing. I can only say that somehow my expectation that the attempt to go through the emotional process in a controlled manner wasn't met (bad me to have an expectation!) and so I found myself in a state of even greater anxiety. Funny thing is, everything that I was submitted to was like an echo of things that I had heard this person saying he had been subject to by others. Relationships are indeed very often a mirror where things we experience as unpleasant to us in the external world are in reality a part of our denied self.

Someone posed the question whether we can save the planet or not, and this was my response: "This is a pet question for me. I think it's ludicrous to save anything at all. That's really ego speaking, since it wants to feel good about itself. Most people talk this way about the planet as well as their peers, and it can be hard to deal with at times. However, taking care of things is quite different. That comes from the heart and not an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Only our higher selves can know what the best action to take is at any given time.

May I add, that it's my understanding that many spiritually minded people think that by saving others from their misery and "faulty" attitudes, they are helping to save the planet. It's all about the critical mass etc, which in my opinion is a way of intellectualizing a process that will probably happen anyway ("let nature take its course..."). Therefore there's a lot of pressure on both sides; on the one hand those who offer a million solutions and methods of saving people must be rather stressed out (and usually give it away by getting nasty) and those who are subject to manipulation or attacks to conform to other people's idea of what is the right thing to do feel stress too. I think we should have a little more trust in the higher powers than this! Of course we shouldn't just sit back and get lazy, but (in my opinion) exercise effortless efforts by listening to our hearts and our intuition."

No, we cannot save other people. And we also don't have to try and support someone who is dragging us down. But to give up on someone out of convenience and almost no knowledge of the case at hand at all is in my opinion truly cowardly and pathetic. There, now I said it! I'm sick and tired of hearing about how compassionate we should be and then have the same people spit at me because I'm trying so hard to talk to them in an honest way and it doesn't suit their level of comfort. What is life if we don't stretch out of our comfort zone a bit sometimes? By honest I mean real and sincere, but also respectful at least to the extent that I am able at that particular moment. Sometimes we faulter, but it's human. Little slips can be rectified. You don't ban a person on a site just because they are having a bad day unless they are blasting at you. Come on; that's being highly egotistical. Give people a chance. If they have violated your boundaries it could be that they didn't really know what boundaries you had because you acted differently in the past. To resort to that kind of excuses when it's handy is hardly fair... It's equally silly to encourage openness and confidentiality in the form of rants and then suddenly when it's convenient use an excuse such as "I can't process all your issues, it's just way too much".

I also think that different cultures have very different concepts of a person's boundaries. Of course it's not only cultural, but personal as well. In my own case I'm very particular about boundaries but in one case (that I know of) I may not respect that of others and that's if I really need to talk about a problem while the other person is withdrawing. I simply cannot deal with such stress. On the other hand I once had to break the friendship with someone who was borderline because it was too stressful on me (my boundaries were constantly being violated). She might have thought of it as betrayal but I could easily have discussed it if she had wanted to. Betrayal to me is when people don't allow me to explain my feelings. I have to try and estimate my own capacity since so far I have a limited amount of energy to spend. Who do I spend it on and why? I am certainly not going to spend it on someone who only wants to be encouraged and appreciated but doesn't really want to accept me for who I am when it comes to real issues in life. A guy from the other side of the world can be super sweet talking but if he doesn't consider that I am staying up throughout the night in order to chat with him when it suits him the best, then he's a jerk. I'm sorry, but there are things that should be obvious. There are also little things that give a person away. I suggest you observe these signs and find out whether they mean something that is being covered up with all the beautiful compliments he's smothered you with. Oh and one more thing; if he thinks you're in love with him after a week, then run!

Artwork: "Emotions 2/6", handmade collage on paper, all rights reserved 2002